Piling up
classic lightbulbs
burnt out
halo scene
above
your overly crooked eyebrows
plucked
deaf dumb
and unnoticed
by him
and by her
for now at least
I will agree
that we can’t
disagree after 1am
and that sometimes
those lightbulbs
spark
and let me know what to do next.
There are many
many
shades of gray
thank god
I cannot enjoy
being
a bedridden pseudonym
out of state plates
with blank breath
a sniffle, really
my bashfulness
convicted
and envelope licked
fingers curled around the edges
like when we
and by we
I mean you
sleep
and I
try to fall asleep
before my bedtime
goofy boy
you should know.
can you be a Stones boy and go out with a Beatles girl? We’ll see…not that we are officially going out right now…what the fuck am I saying? I just got home from work, which I had to go to at 6 this morning on two days without sleep. wha?
So, Courtney seemed to be in a sad mood last nite…so I called her. She said that she was over at a friends house drinking and that I should come over…so I did….after making her wait for an hour. Her friends left us alone after a hour or so, they went out to a few bars while Courtney and I talked, and drank. I guess this guy that she’s seeing isn’t being very attentive, and isn’t all she thought he was…but she’s still a little into him. But she explained to me that she really likes me, and doesn’t want to hurt me…and doesn’t want to make me feel like a fallback guy. My friend PJ stopped by, we did a few lines…and when I left the room he started talking to her about me. Telling her that she should focus on the people in her life that ARE there for her(me) and not some asshole that isn’t. I could kiss him for that, because it seemed to sink in. Her friend came back a while later, and they all passed out. Courtney and I grabbed a blanket and pillows, and made a bed on the floor….that was at 6 this morning. It is now noon, I haven’t slept…and I have to leave for work in 30 minutes. Stone me.
I just bought a new copy of White Light/White Heat. My old copy got destoyed in the drive here from San Diego. I missed it so much! I also picked up a limited edition red vinyl 7” from Modest Mouse, haven’t listened to it yet…but it sure is pretty.
ya know…
I talked to Jackie tonight, and she made me feel much better. She yelled at me to light a joint, and listen to Box Of Rain on repeat. I feel 20 times better, it’s weird that she knows me that well. She knows exactly what to say to pull me through the night. I’m going outside to watch my cigarettes burn down, and then I’m going to put on a stupid movie to make me laugh.
Why do I bother talking to my guy friends/family about girl shit? All they tell you is “She’s not worth it” or “There’s plenty more fish in the sea” All I want to hear, is that I’m going to be okay, because I don’t feel that right now. I know they care…..but they say stupid shit like that…and it just makes me angry. And I abused myself so much last night, that my chest has been hurting all day. There’s a tightness, a heaviness on the left side that would worry me if I cared about myself right now. I can’t wait to fake it through the work day tomorrow…
(via saraannejones)
I am listening to a live version of this song right now, and I come over to tumblr…and I see this. wow. my favorite post of the day….what a day.
I went out last night with my friend, we bought a huge bag of coke…and went over to the bar. The manager of the bar ended up offering my coke to the bartenders….fucking asshole. I don’t know why he would think that it was an okay thing to do, I only offered it to him. I had about 8-9 beers, which I didn’t even feel. And then I hung out at this crazy crack head flop house that I hate with every cell of my being, and then got home at 530 in the morning. I was supposed to hang out with Courtney last nite, but it didn’t happen, that’s the only reason that I wasted all of my money. Took some xanax and passed out at 6, my chest felt awful…I was hoping that my heart would just give up in my sleep…but no such luck. Now, I wake up in the afternoon feeling like hammered shit…and Courtney just texted me to tell me that she has a boyfriend…and am I happy for her! Yeah, so happy that I’m passed feeling horrible, and actually considering suicide. If I don’t have something turn my day around, I’m slitting my fucking throat.
Hung out at Jackie’s place and she cooked dinner again, I brought over a couple great bottles of Pinot Noir. Which we shouldn’t have mixed with Godiva and Tequila Rose….and White Russians. We were there drinking for a good 4-5 hours before we started throwing up. I’m getting in the shower, and then going into work. Jackie is definitely one of my better friends, she’s fucking awesome. Hopefully I’ll be able to go out tonite with my friends at Essex and not get my feelings hurt.
it’s all well and good, wasn’t that good. Sorry y’all, I wrote it as I was typing it…and thinking about other things. Especially motorcycles and beer. That’s what girls want right? They want you to be an asshole, that’s why they tell you about how much they miss their last abusive boyfriend. They want you to make all the decisions, and be their savior and fold you inside of a box made of empty lipstick tubes. None of this is true probably, I haven’t slept in three days and I have been eating handfuls of benadryl and dramamine all day to try and fall asleep. I must’ve taken 20 or 30. I feel sick, and I have to be up at 7am for work. My writing is shit lately and I am through with tumblr. I am such a whiny fucking cunt. I tried to be sober, and be good to people and receive love. But all I want right now is to shove a big fuck off speedball up my nose and become as invisible as her attention. I won’t, probably. Goodbye.
Act three
cocaine glaze
a thousand pulses
crossing your fingers
cutting off
all circulation
it’s only a matter of time
until you figure out
that I made up
that story
that made you feel
sorry for me
shuffling your feet
back into the living room
I scratch my tongue
on your teeth
a never ending itch
our noses touch
socially acceptable
ceasefire
pardon me
if I can’t seem to keep
my eyes all the way closed.
